Thursday, May 03, 2007

this is really for ma and pa

update: i just got my financial-aid award package, and it looks like Berkeley is giving me a full ride. this is tough because it's everything i've wanted and worked so hard for. i've waited for such good news for six years, and for some reason, i'm not as excited as i thought i'd be.

when i told my mom i got into berkeley her initial reaction prompted to ask why i wasted all that money and applied to so many schools if i wanted to go to DC. i was so shocked and hurt i didn't know how to respond.

i know my parents are happy for me, but i wish they would show it more, or even at all. everything is just expected. it's expected that i'll do well in school if i work hard. and it's expected that i'll work hard because my parents have just to put me in school.

i have to say that this makes me bitter. although it's ironic because i just came back from my sociology of the asian american class and i know where my parents are coming from, which i think sometimes makes this situation worse. the fact that i know there's so much struggle between immigrant parents like mine and first-generation children like me, yet can't seem to confront it with my own family. i always fall weak. you wouldn't believe it but i was struggling to keep my composure as i told my mom a "congrats" would have been much more appreciated. immediately after i stormed out of her room so that she wouldn't see my watering eyes.

maybe i'm selfish for wanting to hear my parents say, "connie, we're proud of you." i feel like if i push myself harder and farther i'll get some recognition or that simple approval. then i'd tell myself, "connie, you don't have to keep proving yourself."

i think that's why i'm hoping for that georgetown acceptance. because my parents have never heard of american university and all of their friends' kids have gotten into ucla and usc. so no biggie. but maybe, just maybe an acceptance into an ivy league will make them see different.

who am i kidding? at the same time i just want to shove all of these letters into my dad's face and say HERE. are you happy?! he already expected i'd get in to all of these schools. that wasn't his concern. his concern is that i stay close to home. umm. NO.

never did i think i'd write so negatively but i really had to get some of this out.


Hugo Schwyzer said...

I hear you, Connie. I really do -- as my posts ought to have made clear by now. But it doesn't take the sting away, and no, it's never ever ever selfish to ask for approval from one's parents.

Vanessa said...

well, i'll tell you what i tell myself when my parents don't see me:

the only person who has to be proud of you is yourself.

you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

and even without an ivy league acceptance, you are still TOP KNOTCH

I LOVE YOU said...