Tuesday, November 21, 2006

feminism and finding balance

there's no doubt i've fallen into the discourse of what is known in my women's studies class as the "together woman," who's seemingly strong, determined and independent. she knows what she wants in life and let's nothing else get in her way. she's the proud and confident feminist who changes her own tires and knows she doesn't need a man to make her happy. she's come a long way by dropping the pearls and vacuum, and obtaining the right to vote, own property, and excel in the workforce, and not to mention, is damn right about exercising those powers. the together woman has simply got it together, emotionally and physically.

if only it was that easy. not only is maintaining the together woman persona appealing and empowering, it's also extremely tiring. as an optimist, i rarely complain, but that's also because i've learned to suck it up and take it like a woman. i fear being judged as weak and so i smile and keep my problems to myself. but the thing is i'm exhausted of holding it all in--handling four online classes with a couple exams approaching, revising personal statements to meet the novemeber 30th admission deadline, intense weekday GOT trainings, and extra long weekend hours and demands at work. i'm just exhausted with trying to make everything seem ok. last week i sat in front of my laptop for four hours struggling to produce an essay, and all that came out was a few phrases. i went downstairs for some support from my housemates when i realized i was on the verge of tears and didn't want them to see how much i was suffering from all the stress so i ran back to my room and tried to cry and sleep my worries away; i really needed rest. luckily, i also got some direction and encouragement from my editor.

i'm in the process of finding a balance. i've taken a break from my stack of political-junkie-related books and picked up some light-hearted romance paperbacks. i'm slowly accepting the idea of taking a break and doing nothing, and have actually come to enjoy it (it's allowed me to notice the really neat decor on our living room ceiling). while feeling like i always have to have it together, i'm adjusting to just going with the flow. and as much as resist shallow depictions of body image, i worry about weight gain, and then brush that aside and indulge in sweets and good food. i budget wisely and am craving to hit the salvation army and then macy's. i work hard and as they say, try to play harder. lately, i've done a lot of dancing and hanging with friends. i think now would be a nice time to snuggle with a chick flick, some kettle popcorn, and perhaps even a cute boy.

looks like all ends well while listening to alanis morissette's jagged little pill album. i've noticed a pattern with my blogging. it takes me a really long time to post becuase throughout the thought process of organizing my thoughts and putting them into words, i end up resolving the problem that initially came to mind, thus conclude with positive regards. funny how therapeutic blogging can be.

1 comment:

Mermade said...

I know how you feel, Connie - and wow is it a tough place to be in. It's so awesome how you work SO hard, yet have amazing spirit. I REALLY appreciate the work you do for all of us at PCC.